With Stolen Wings Of An Angel

Time traveller.

2011-08-27T20:41:00.008+08:00

Wow.

It has been 290 days since I gave my word to update this little section. So I guess that shows how much you can trust the words that comes out of this mouth.

I'm still very much alive, thank you.

It's not that I lost the interest in writing (typing), I wanted to focus more on my work instead of rambling on about what I think, feel, believe in. Yes, that is important too but I'm doing all that jazz somewhere else.

In short, I moved over to this place. (officially.)

I hope you still remember the fact that I do have a tumblr. Instead of hanging around here and having the obligation to update at least once a week, I moved to tumblr where I can post up my photos (with some of my thoughts included, once in a while) without the hassle of adding notes to it.

Because, let's face it. Sometimes, there just isn't anything to say.

So yes, head over to my tumblr!

(For your information, I only post up my photos over there, so it's all me. If I do happen to use someone else's work, I will give credit. If there isn't one, means it's mine. Thanks!)

Follow me & reblog away!

♥oves,

vee.

It's been a while.

2010-11-11T20:44:00.004+08:00

Sorry for not updating.

Been preoccupied with a lot of things these past few weeks. There's just so many things going on around but it's being handled. Trying to get it all together. No worries, will be updating when things are more mellow than now.

Managing.

♥oves,

vee.

Spirit Day.

2010-10-20T22:56:00.004+08:00

Love.

It should be something that everyone can have, right? Who is to say you do not have the rights to love and be with the person that loves you?

Love, is universal.

Today is Spirit day, a day where people are encouraged to wear purple, in memory of recent suicides by LGBT youths due to gay abuse. It is also a day to show your support to those who feel lonely and lost.

No one should get put down for staying true to who they are, of their sexuality. For those who feel that nothing is right, that no one cares, all of us that wears purple today would like you to know that you are not alone.

It will get better.

♥oves,

vee.

No more junk.

2010-10-18T21:38:00.001+08:00

We've cleared the house!

(the stuff in it, not the actual house.) After all the years, finally I have managed to convinced my mother to remove the things we do not need, in order to clear the house and make space. To say the least, she has finally remove those boxes of little jewelry boxes.

I feel kinda proud of her. (happy teary face)

I noticed for quite a few years, my family especially my mum's side, are all hoarders. Most of them anyway. My mum, her sisters (my aunts), my grandmum are all hoarders. I'm not sure about my uncles and all, I don't really visit their homes or anything. Dad's side, well, a few do keep things they don't need, but it's not as bad as my mum's side.

And being my mum's children, we've all grown to be hoarders as well.

But I realized the problem, and managed to clear 6 out of 10 boxes of my things. Yes, I'm trying to put an end to this. I do not wish to be a hoarder! I have this thing, I cannot, I repeat, I cannot stand being in cramped places.

I find it hard to breathe in cramped space.

So, my room has a theme, now bear in mind that it is a small room, but that does not mean that it cannot be a comfy yet spacious room. This is my goal. I already have the whole room planned out, but won't be able to do some of it for now.

I'm waiting till next year, only then I am allowed to paint and knock in some shelfs into my room. For now, I'm gonna make a shelf/cabinet for my art stuff, need it to fit in at least a3 size folders. Gonna get a drawing table and turn that into a light box drawing table. Excited!

Plans plans plans!

♥oves,

vee.

Vote!

2010-10-17T02:00:00.006+08:00

I've entered a contest!

It's a lomo contest held by The Click Shop. My first time doing something like this that involves votes. I'm feeling queasy cause I really wanna win this. Wanna expand my collection of film cameras and finally get hold of the long wanted Blackbird, Fly. I want to win, badly. It's nerve-wrecking.

Please support me!

All you have need is Facebook and what you need to do is 'Like' this page then you can 'Like' my photo. Every vote counts!

Please & thank you!

♥oves,

vee.

Wait a minute.

2010-10-12T00:23:00.001+08:00

What you see now may not be what is.

No, I'm not talking in codes. I just realized that my blog has a different outlook when it is viewed with Internet Explorer.

Anything on the right, i.e. the music player, will be cut in half because it doesn't fit in the outline. (I'm guessing.) The background is completely gone, meaning no black birds flying behind. The colour of the blog is different, and the fonts would be almost unseeable or at least, unbearable. I'm not sure what else is different.

But I know it's horrible.

So, if you are reading this, please visit this site back again with either Safari or Mozilla Firefox! (cause I don't know how to fix the problem, maybe it's just a IE thing.) I'm not sure if it looks different with Google Chrome or others. Sorry for not noticing this problem way before.

Hope you'll return!

♥oves,

vee.

Yes, Lennon.

2010-10-09T20:54:00.000+08:00

Number 9.

The number that Lennon believed his life revolved around. Whenever I sing to the tunes of Revolution 9 and sing number 9 repeatedly, nobody ever knows what song it is. But, guess that's some part John Lennon.

John Lennon, if you do not know, is from a little group known as the Beatles and he is amazing. A true inspirational being that sang and lived of love & peace.

Happy would-be 70th.

♥oves,

vee.

Don't forget.

2010-10-08T19:39:00.000+08:00

You got back up.

You stood up after a fall, and walked on. You ran, you climbed, you jumped, you dashed, you leaped. But it wasn't long till you fall again, back into the darkness. You grew tired. You have fallen and left with no strength to stand back up.

Because you've forgotten.

Of your dreams, your love, your passion.

♥oves,

vee.

That something.

2010-10-07T21:40:00.004+08:00

"You love playing with that. You love playing with all your stuffed animals. You love your Mommy, your Daddy. You love your pajamas. You love everything, don't ya? Yea. But you know what, buddy? As you get older... some of the things you love might not seem so special anymore. Like your Jack-in-a-Box. Maybe you'll realize it's just a piece of tin and a stuffed animal. And the older you get, the fewer things you really love. And by the time you get to my age, maybe it's only one or two things. With me, I think it's one. "

- Sergeant William James, The Hurt Locker

We all have that thing we love, don't we?

Whatever it may be. That something that makes you feel more alive when you're doing it, whether it's the rush, the risk, the fun, the passion, the love; it's the thing that makes you feel right. It makes you feel safe.

That thing that completes you.

♥oves,

vee.

Don't you know?

2010-10-05T23:57:00.002+08:00

When you're a nobody, nobody cares.

When you are successful, everybody loves you. When you make a mistake, everybody 'always knew you were up to no good.' When you fail, everybody doesn't want to know you.

So, why do we still care so much about those 'everybody'?

♥oves,

vee.

Laugh out loud.

2010-10-01T02:31:00.011+08:00

' HAPPY BIRTHDAY! ' he said.

Cool, but it isn't my birthday.. Just go along.

' Thank you!! Where's my present? '

' Didn't you receive anything? '

Okay, I feel bad.

' Oh, the parcel? Nope, not yet. Oh, and it's not my birthday. '

' WHAT! It's been 2 weeks! '

Wait, he didn't notice. Do I repeat it..?

' Should be here by next week maybe? '

' I hope so. '

Pause.

' Wait. Why did you say it's not your birthday? Isn't it October? '

Oh finally.

' It's November. '

' OMG. SHITZ. '

' You're a month earlier. '

' The letter is gonna be so awkward now. Silly me. '

Ucchis, I literally lol'ed.

Okay, I dislike using that word. It's not really a problem to me when people uses those kinds of short forms until I meet people that uses that word in real life. Not a virtual chat. A real life face to face chat. Can you imagine? Do you know people that does the same?

Are you one of them?

Imagine you're watching Russell Peters live, and to every funny joke he made, some random guy next to you doesn't laugh, no, he goes 'LOL!' the whole entire show. A guy rather says the word 'lol' than to laugh out loud.

I don't get it.

Aren't they just constraining their laughters by saying the word? Or do they not think it's funny, but felt that they should say something to not make them look awkward/left out? Or are they just that lazy till they had to turn their laughter into an abbreviation?

How hard is it to laugh?

♥oves,

vee.

Running out.

2010-09-29T05:15:00.005+08:00

Got news that mother would be arriving around 2p.m later today.

Things done just now :

Change bed sheets

Clean mum's room

Clean store room

Arrange bed

Put aside trash

Arrange furniture

Do laundry

Fold & arrange clothes

Things to do later :

Sweep house

Sweep porch

Clean the kitchen

Do more laundry

Take out trash

Shower

Buy her dinner

Assignment 2

Research for assignment 3

Mind map

Work

Things to do now :

Sleep

♥oves,

vee.

Digi iPhone 4 Life.

2010-09-27T22:44:00.003+08:00

The final post for the iPhone 4 craze.

It took a lot of time for me to come up with anything at all for the whole 4 posts. I'm not very good when it comes to doing these 'most creative blog post' contest. Which is the reason on why I've never done it before.

This, yes ladies and gentleman, would be my very first attempt in entering a blog post contest. All those times of being so tempted to enter contests held by Nuffnang, but to each and every time, I pass it and tell myself not to do it.

But this time, I couldn't say no. It's a iPhone 4 involved, I had to do it. It's at least worth a shot, right? I can totally picture myself holding the iPhone 4 everywhere I go and playing Critter Crunch on it while listening to the Beatles.

Should totally be by the beach with it.

♥oves,

vee.

Digi iPhone 4 Real.

2010-09-26T22:42:00.004+08:00

iDigi postpaid plans.

A plan that is offered by Digi for a 24 month contract. Normally, I don't like contracts. They're always out of my budget and even if they aren't, they usually come with hidden charges.

But the new plans Digi has came up with, I've got to say, are pretty neat. The lowest plan is now only at Rm63 and that's before auto billing. After auto billing, it's only at a staggering Rm58! Which is well within my budget, which means I can actually afford it and it won't hurt my pocket.

But the great thing that I love about the plan is that, even after using up the 1gb you are given for the internet usage, there is no extra charge. That means you can use the internet everyday, every hour, every minute, however much you want to!

And this will continue for the whole 24 months.

That is definitely the feature that I think is best. Especially because you'll be using an iPhone 4. Knowing myself, I would be surfing the internet 24/7 with the iPhone 4 and this part of the plan is a big plus side.

Unlimited internet usage is joy.

♥oves,

vee.

Digi iPhone 4 Play.

2010-09-25T23:49:00.003+08:00

Did someone mention iTunes app store?

When I had my ipod touch, I downloaded apps like nobody's business. I went on a spree as if it was all free. It was, most of it anyway. Out of all the apps I had, 90% of it would be game apps, not just game apps, it's the free versions. The free games were the limited version of the ones you would have to pay, or some may call it, the 'lite' version.

So as you might have known, the lite versions are never that much fun. It usually allows you to play the game till you completed the first level and then after that, a message pops out informing you to get the full version in order to continue playing the game.

I got bored of playing these lite games and one day, while looking around the iTunes store, I stumbled upon the sale section. It was a page where all the full version games are at a discounted price for a limited amount of time. Most of the prices were from 0.99 cents till 2.99.

Boy, was it good.

One of the games that I ended up buying was Critter Crunch, among the rest like Tap tap revenge 2/3, Diner Dash and many more.

Critter Crunch is a game where you play as Biggs, a "friendly, furry forest dweller" and get on top of the food chain by feeding small critters to the bigger ones which then explodes and colourful jewels will start falling for you to collect!

It is a race against time and you have to collect the jewels until it reaches the meter to get to the next level. There are also bonus levels between every few levels. Each levels gets harder and harder as the speed gets faster and faster.

It was a game where I played wherever I go to pass the time, whether I was sitting in college waiting for people to show up, or when the class was boring, or when I just wanted to feel happier.

The whole game is really colourful and all the characters are absolutely adorable, all the little furry round fat blobs! It's a game that is not only fun and addictive, it's just too cute to resist!

Definitely the best 99 cents (usd) I've ever spent.

♥oves,

vee.

Digi iPhone 4 Me.

2010-09-24T23:00:00.003+08:00

I'm sure you've heard.

Iphone 4 is now finally launched in Malaysia! (officially) Digi is now giving away an iPhone 4 to a lucky blogger and I would love for it to be me!

So, the question for today is, why do I want (desperately) an iPhone 4?

I guess to answer that question, I would have to bring you back to the month of April. To be exact, April 19 2010. It was the day where the photos of the then rumoured iPhone 4 camouflaged as a 3GS that was found in a bar in Redwood City, appeared on gizmodo.

When I first feast upon my eyes on those photos, I fell in love with it, as cliche as that sounds. But I did. The look of it was the kind I would prefer, it was sleek, square, flat and no longer had the funny looking curve back that previous iphones had.

I told myself I had to have one.

I didn't really bothered to know about the improvements of the firmwares and the functions it offered. I just know that it was just perfect to me. Since then I have longed for the iPhone 4 to be officially announced, praying that the rumour wasn't just a rumour, and I was brought to joy when Apple did announce the product back in July.

Though being an Apple fan and a Mac user, I never found myself liking the previous iPhone models because of the design of it. I preferred having an ipod touch rather than an iphone 3GS. So it's safe to say that this iPhone 4 is the only iPhone that I liked, well, love.

The whole design of the iPhone 4 is just astonishing.

I mean, just look at those photos from Apple, who doesn't want one? Does one really need a solid reason to say that he/she wants an iPhone 4? Okay, I agree, it's a want. Not a need. But thinking it over, I do think I could use a new phone.

After all, I've been using my SE w960i for quite some time now. It has been a loyal companion through thick and thin since February 2008. It's been great and all great things have to come to an end. For my current phone, the end is here.

It no longer works the same anymore. Certain parts of the screen doesn't respond. The os system lags for what seems to be a lifetime. It shuts itself off when it's not in the mood. It doesn't notify me when I receive new messages. And it doesn't put calls through when people call me. It has a mind of it's own and mood swings of a 2 year old.

Probably because it knows iPhone 4 is now launched.

And I want one.

♥oves,

vee.

Loved ones.

2010-09-20T12:57:00.004+08:00

They become someone's priority.

Someone's sole purpose to live on. Someone's reason to work hard. Someone's motivation to do their best in life in order to be able to provide the best.

But when you have someone as your reason to work all those long hours for, day by day, you feel tired, mentally & physically. You then start to work as a routine and forget what your loved ones need/want. You tend to forget on the real reason and you start to put the blame on them.

You forget that they want and need is to spend more time with you. To have a nice simple dinner together. To watch a show together. To have a decent conversations with your heart put into it. You forget that sometimes the simplest things can make people happy.

When your life gets so hectic, you claim that everything you do, you are doing it for them, you start acting as if what you are doing is noble. You're tired. You get impatient. You get frustrated. You get short on temper. You argue. You raise your voice.

You create tension for your relationships.

Finding it hard to live in peace & harmony when your relationships are strained. But at the end of the day, when you manage to catch a glimpse of your loved one's smile, all of that effort is worth it. You remember that that smile is why you are working so hard everyday.

That smile is your reason.

♥oves,

vee.

The world is too small.

2010-09-17T15:44:00.000+08:00

Don't you feel that way sometimes?

I find it a little frustrating at times when you meet new people, new friends and turns out, they know the people you know too. Or when you find out your friends are friends with your other friends. It's like wherever you go, whoever you meet, you cannot escape from the six degrees of separation.

That is tiring.

I would love to, one day, be friend with a person who does not know any of the people I know; a complete stranger. That way, you know that whatever you do or say, will stay with that one person. Would never leave to be known to others.

It's not that I want to escape from the past or the friends/acquaintances I have. But it's more of wanting to know a person right from the very beginning. When you know nothing of that new friend and the new friend knows nothing of you. To start and get to know each other without the judgements or the stories about the mutual acquaintances.

You don't have to worry about a lot of things and you get to live your lives without people knowing anything. To have a friend that no one knows about. To meet new people, new environment, new..well, almost everything. The idea sounds intriguing, no?

A complete stranger.

♥oves,

vee.

4 words.

2010-09-14T20:26:00.007+08:00

' This is very good. '

Those were the words that struck me out during the progress discussion and made me feel happy. Yes, my Design lecturer said those words. The very first time a lecturer is actually contented with my mind map for Design. It was a mind map of the 2 random objects for the superhero assignment.

It's not exactly a big deal.

But it kinda is, to me. What the lecturer said gave me the kick in confidence, lets me know that I finally did something right for Design 2, even though it's a pretty small thing, but at least I know I've corrected an error and I'm starting on the right track with the concept of mind mapping. You have to understand, I'm not good with mind maps.

I don't tend to write ideas out properly on paper.

I tend to just think about any ideas in my mind, probably write a word or two (literally) about certain things of the idea in random words (not sentences) that would not make sense to anyone else no matter how they try to understand it.

I was never good with putting my progress/research of assignments on papers, hence the fact that my progress folder was never as thick as the rest of the class, nor as neat, as complete, as good as the rest. My sketches/ideas/progress was always jumbled up, messy, mostly never in proper sequence, and most of the time, it never makes sense to anyone else but me.

That's just the way my mind works.

My mind doesn't think in a sequence like the lecturers would like it to. It doesn't follow the same formula. It just goes around wherever it wants to, whenever it wants to.

Most of the time, it just jumps to the final idea at the last day or two before the dateline, with no research, no mind map, no sketches. The idea just springs out and I turn that idea into the final work. So I really cannot show any mind maps, sketches nor research over the few weeks not because I don't want to, not because I'm too lazy.

It's because there just isn't one.

Because of that problem, I lose my progression marks. Which is a lot and a real pull back of my grades and the impression of me on my lecturers. To them, I am the utmost laziest student they have ever met. (There might be some truth to that.) I cannot control when/how the inspirations come and that is a very big problem in the design industry.

My mind has a mind of it's own.

As odd as that sounds, but it is how it is. I don't know when the ideas will come to me, I don't know when the bulb will light up. It's as if it sets a mental wall to block my idea-thinking side of the brain and doesn't allow me to think of anything good until the dateline nears and it just explodes.

I hope I can tame it down, even if it's a little bit.

♥oves,

vee.

I don't know your face no more.

2010-09-13T19:43:00.000+08:00

When you think you know someone.

In and out. Everything made sense. Until a fine little sharp pointy needle comes and bursts your happily-floating-in-the-air bubble, and in that split second, everything turned. Nothing was the same anymore.

The one person you knew so well wasn't who you knew anymore. Something changed before you could do anything about it and the person is no longer who he/her was. There's nothing in common. Nothing left to linger upon. All you could do is watch him/her being someone else. When that all happens, it will hurt.

We might as well be strangers.

♥oves,

vee.

The spur of the moment.

2010-09-11T21:56:00.003+08:00

It's the randomness that's fun.

No hassle of planning and scheduling. No frustration on who's in and who's out. No disappointments if the plan gets cancelled. No worries on who, what, when, where and how. It's just a sudden unscripted idea and the thrill of going along with it, wherever it takes you.

What you need is just the idea with the right people, the money, and enjoy the ride.

I cannot wait for my penguin to be back. I've been longing for penguin and life really isn't the same without him. When penguin returns to home, I can get back to my journeys of life. I genuinely cannot wait for all those days to come.

The adventures.

♥oves,

vee.

Green lights, on.

2010-09-10T14:04:00.004+08:00

The month of Ramadan is officially over.

Time for the celebration to kick in and watch this occasion bring together people's family and friends for a big reunion over at their 'kampung' or open house. With lots of yummy tantalizing food like rendang ayam (anyone kind enough to bring me some rendang ayam? Please & thank you.), hundreds of relatives, old and new faces and the children's (never the parents) favourite part, the 'duit raya'.

A very similar tradition like we, Chinese have with the Lunar New Year or Indians with Diwali. It is a time where plenty of people are heading back towards their hometown for the holiday, which means less congestion in KL and PJ. I wish for everyone to enjoy their holidays and have a safe trip, remember to drive slowly!

Other than a time for celebration, it is also a time for atonement. If I have ever done any wrong towards you, whether through speech or action, intentional or accidental, I am sorry. Or in less and simpler words, mohon maaf Zahir & Batin.

Salam Aidilfitri.

♥oves,

vee.

Don't blog about this.

2010-09-09T16:00:00.001+08:00

But I couldn't resist.

BMW has been playing a guessing game, giving the audience little information bit by bit and using reverse psychology tricks to leave us wanting to know more. This is their way of building up some anticipation and spark curiosity for the Paris Motor Show perhaps?

If you know me enough, you would know that I'm a beemer fan.

By launching a site that is ironically titled Don't Blog About This, it's aim is to create suspense and have us bloggers, spread the word among beemer fans, each having their own guessing comment card, as well as having us make the hype for the mysterious black mobile, even though it 'tells' us to not blog about it.

It's almost like child's play. Telling the kid to not eat the marshmallow for 5 minutes and they'll get another one, leave the kid in the room and wait to see what the kid would do with a soft colourful yummy fluffy marshmallow. But the difference is, bmw doesn't say they'll give us another 'marshmallow'.

Or how when parents tell the children 'Don't run. Don't eat that. Don't do this. Don't do that.' and what does the child do? Exactly the opposite. The other difference? We know full well of what is going on and what they wants us to do with the whole reverse psychology tactic. We know what this is, we know what we won't be getting but still we will do it. Because it's a BMW.

Well, I gotta say, it worked on me.

If you really don't get it, think Dee Dee from Dexter's Laboratory with her famous lines of 'ooooh, what does this red button do?'.

The front look of the car is pretty much similar to the vision efficient dynamics concept car BMW made last year, but let's hope the colours of the car won't be the same. The back reminds me of a 6 series, and that's not exactly a compliment.

Everything else about the car is left a mystery. Other sites have been playing their part of the game and most of them are placing their guess that the car is another electric hybrid. The approach of the publicity stunt from the site is very bmw-ish. They've always been crafty with their ads, so I'm not surprised they managed to come out with this as well.

I just know that I can't wait.

♥oves,

vee.

It's not what it seems.

2010-09-08T17:55:00.006+08:00

Walked into a place after 4 long months.

College; a territory I once knew well, by the back of my hand. Haven't been in a class for a long time now. Yesterday was the first day back after putting education on hold for those 4 months. It was familiar. I know the ways of the area, the facilities and the faces. Well, a few of them.

As much as it was familiar to me, it was unfamiliar as well.

The college may look the same, but it doesn't feel the same. I didn't know any of my classmates nor the lecturer. I'm not complaining about that part at all, mind you. The 1st assignment has the same theme but it is given with a different approach by the lecturer.

I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not, really.

Because I was expecting it to be the same, if it was, I'm familiar with the process. But at the same time, I didn't want it to be the same, because the last time was horror for me, I might make the same mistakes and fail at accomplishing the tasks perfectly.

I may have done it before, but it is still all alien to me.

I feel like I'm in front of two pathways, unsure of what I really want. Because what I expected and what I hoped for, clashes between each other and left me not knowing of which would be better.

It's more like, wishing it to be in a familiar area so you could be in your comfort zone, you don't have to feel awkward and out of place, but at the same time, do you really want it to be all the same as the last time?

But I shall have good hopes for the new surrounding.

♥oves,

vee.

You can make it better, sometimes.

2010-09-05T00:24:00.001+08:00

So you had a bad day.

Then what are you going to do about it? Whether it's a bad day, or a dull day, or even a good day, you can always make it better, somehow. (No guarantee for 100% success rate. Terms and conditions apply.) That's what I believe, I can make my day better sometimes; depending on my stress meter till explosion or how depressed I actually am.

I try to make mine happier by doing a lot of things, to take the load off my mind. At times, I work. I read. I create. I make. I dream. To simplify things, I just do what I love to do. Whatever it may be, as long as my heart loves it, that's what makes me happier. Occasionally.

Sometimes it works, sometimes everything becomes too much.

Yesterday was a day with an awesome ending. I ended my day watching Top Gear while having BR and FA together. There's no better way to watch the trio. Okay, maybe watching them in person would be even more amazing. Oh well, back to my comfy blanket.

Yes, it was fantastic.

♥oves,

vee.

Everywhere I am, there you'll be.

2010-09-04T20:20:00.006+08:00

Everyday without the two of you.

I try not to think about the past and I live my days making my life as busy as possible. I'm alright with saying it out loud. I don't think about the past when I'm with others. Because it is how it is. I'm not alright when I'm alone and everything falls, and the memories rush in.

And then, the thought that you are no longer here, crashes into my mind. When it does, when I realize that you aren't here, it suddenly makes it real to me again. I cannot take that.

I'm still at disbelief.

That someone like you is actually gone. That you are no longer here. That you died. The thought sinks into me, and it's hard to ignore it. It's impossible. How could someone so strong like you, is no longer breathing? How could someone like you get so sick?

How could death have captured you?

I cannot believe that the years have actually passed. Without me seeing you. Without me calling you. Without me hearing you. I cannot accept it. I haven't seen your face in these few years. Reading your death certificate brought me back to your deathbed.

I miss you.

♥oves,

vee.

I am not a hoarder.

2010-09-03T23:45:00.003+08:00

I only have 2 rows of boxes.

Or at least, that's what I always say when my mum is giving a lecture on how messy the house is because of all my 'rubbish'; a word she uses to refer to my belongings as.

I've always convinced myself that I do not have a lot of things, I only have 2 rows of a few boxes stacked on each other in the store room. That's not a lot, right? I mean, in comparison to the amount of things my mother has? It's really not a lot. Trust me. Also at least the things I own/keep are things that has sentimental value or I believe are items that would bring some use to me somewhere in the future. Far far future.

That's what I thought.

Until I had to remove all the boxes out of the room, into the living room to create space for my siblings boxes because we're shifting rooms around, and also for the first time in close to 19 years of living on this planet, I will finally, be having my own room.

But let's not get sidetracked, I will bring up that outrageously good news another day.

I shifted all the boxes to the living room and decided to see what I can further remove/throw/donate out of the boxes and what can be kept for my future room. The things I found inside triggered different emotions and thoughts. Some were nice, most are old, and some just made me go 'what the hell was I thinking?'.

I found candies inside which I've kept for the past 2 years and forgotten about it. I found a huge amount of tissue packets that I probably stored in case of a rainy day after a big fire burnt out all the cloths and there was nothing left to wipe the dust off the television screen.

I found a number of useless junks.

But I also found a lot of things that are useful, other than 2 boxes of books I want to keep, 3 boxes of books I'm done reading, there were also things from my past like toys I got from my grandma or my aunt which has sentimental value, or things I bought last time when I imagined would look great in my (then non-existent) room if I ever had one, which I'm going to soon.

The whole thing was a epiphany for me.

I have always denied it, because the thought of it just made me shudder when I think that I will grow to be like my mother in the future with a whole house of items I will never use like a box of small boxes, which by the way, my mother really do have such a thing in the storage room right now.

But unfortunately this event has caused me the privilege of denying it. I am, alas, like my mother, grandmother, godmum, well basically my mum's side of the family, a hoarder.

The epiphany wasn't really an epiphany until I was looking for a huge plastic bag to store all the junk that needs to be thrown away, I found things in the plastic bag and thought that I should keep those things. So that was when it hit me; while I was looking for a rubbish bag to throw the rubbish out, I found more rubbish to keep instead.

I still prefer to use the term 'a collector'.

♥oves,

vee.

Peace to all.

2010-08-31T22:08:00.002+08:00

Happy Independence day.

53 years ago, on this very same date, a new country was born. A country that is colourful in various different aspects. The people, the food, the language, the traditions, the cultures and best of all, the food.

Wait, have I mentioned the food?

It is a country with many flaws as most of everything else in the world is. But let's not focus on the negative side. I mean, why should we? We shouldn't be drowning our sorrows when it is a day where we get to see fireworks. We get a holiday. We get special discounts and offers for stuff we probably don't need.

And, we get 31% off for Baskin Robbins ice cream because it's the 31st coincidentally.

So, I'm not going to give you any patriotic pep talk nor am I gonna talk bad about the country, especially on it's birthday. Would you like to be stabbed in the back, hit on your head, a slap on your face and kick in your groins on your birthday? No, I didn't think so.

I'm sure you would prefer the joy of having cookies & cream and strawberry cheesecake flavoured ice cream so much more.

Anyway, happy 31st mate.

♥oves,

vee.

Design 2, take two.

2010-08-30T16:32:00.001+08:00

My semester is starting soon.

I have to admit, I am terrified. I don't want to go through all that horror just to fail, again.

I just started to get back pieces of me. I mean, I'm starting to feel. I'm starting to care. I'm starting to get interested. I'm starting to think. I'm starting to want to do something. Little by little, I'm starting to think and plan of little projects, little experiments for me to do.

For now, what's in my mind, is going to another level with film photography and hopefully, digital as well if I'm getting a digital camera. Also to start on my other works, back into drawing and designing, along with all the projects as well. I should also start on the commissions that I've been putting a hold onto for quite some time now. There's so many things on the to-do list with little time and very limited fund. (feel free to donate/sponsor, please and thank you.) I'm not sure which project I should start first.

Slowly, my passion is starting to burn again and I'm happy about it.

And I certainly don't wish for it to burnt out just because of college again. It's just not worth it. I admit, I'm not exactly very fond of the lecturer and I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual; it contributes quite a lot between passing and failing by the way. College/lecturers should not be allowed to ruin me. It shouldn't dampened my spirits. It's absurd for it to happen once before and I undoubtedly do not want it to happen twice! It's madness.

I will survive this, no matter the weather.

♥oves,

vee.

No start, no end.

2010-08-29T00:06:00.007+08:00

It's been a long time since I visited back DA.

I've been so numb and stuck for quite a few months, probably about 10-11 months now. Unable to be inspired nor think out of the box for all those long months. Each day passed by like it was unimportant, like it was just another plain ordinary day.

I've done a lot of things in the hopes of getting back myself in proper gear. I have to say, I failed many times. I failed till I didn't want to try anymore. I didn't want to feel that pain anymore. I thought to myself, 'Why bother? You will fail again anyway.' My theory was if I don't care, I won't try; if I don't try, I won't fail; if I don't fail, I won't feel hurt. And I told myself to not care, I made myself believe that I don't care.

I repeated that thought until it started to seep in into my subconscious and I began to not care, about anything.

The thing about not caring about anything at all is that it will grow. You start feeling numb and being so jaded. You start to feel everything is nothing. You start to feel that it's pointless to do anything because you don't feel anything and you give up without even realizing you did. I was so tired emotionally; drained out.

Everything was dull.

It started when I started college. When my life suddenly became a routine and I was living with the same routine on a daily basis. It was all just assignments, college, assignments, the next day with the same routine, with little to none of sleep. All of it took a toll on me and that was where I started to grow tired of everything.

The passion was gone. The hope slowly faded. The dreams couldn't be seen anymore. I couldn't get my thoughts worked out properly and it was all in a mess.

When my semester ended and I had 4 months break, it was the same thing. The routine may have changed a little but the way it goes was still the same. Wake up, laptop, hang out, sleep just to wake up the next day and repeat everything. The days passed by with such a slow pace when I'm in it, but it passed by so quickly when I turn and look back at it. The days have already gone without me living in it.

It might not make sense but that was how I felt.

It was as if I'm in a blank space, a brightly lit white room that was so vast you couldn't see the end of the place. No four walls. No one else. Only you and you alone. A place where nothing mattered, nothing exists, nothing ends, nothing could be felt, nothing could be heard. A plain empty blank space. A beginning with no end, a ending with no beginning.

It was just it.

It was going downhill till it gotten to the stage of me not giving an ounce of care even if my life were to end right then and there. It didn't matter to me anymore.

But, I'm starting to pull myself out of that blank space.

♥oves,

vee.

Bye bye footprints.

2010-08-25T18:44:00.006+08:00

My blog is now carbon neutral.

Living a life in the modern world isn't doing very well for the earth, even though we live on it. Especially with all the modern technologies that are being used everyday to make our lives more comfortable, which leaves carbon footprints.

Even by blogging.

I would still like to keep my blog, so in order to cut down the footprints that I'm leaving, I'm writing this post to support the programme 'My blog is carbon neutral'; the initiative that originally started in Germany by 'Make it Green' programme.

But how does writing this post reduce the carbon footprints?

By writing this post thus showing your support, the Arbor Day Foundation will then plant a tree for your blog. The tree will be planted in Northern California, their goal is to reforest the Plumas National Forest.

It's really simple and you can do it too! All you have to do is write a post, include their buttons on your site and send your link to them; a tree will then be planted for you!

How easy is that?

♥oves,

vee.

Little glowing dots.

2010-08-22T20:49:00.008+08:00

I went on a trip to Kuala Selangor yesterday.

Surprised to see that fireflies still exists there. I remember the first time I went to watch the fireflies many years back with the family in Kuala Selangor (which later I realised it was the same place I went last night).

I'm not sure who told me, but at that time, someone mentioned that fireflies will extinct soon and that place will close down.

So for the past few years I've always thought that there were no fireflies left in that particular place in Kuala Selangor and I was wondering where am I going to see the fireflies in yesterday's trip. But when the bus stopped in front of the gate, I realised it's the same exact place I was brought to years ago.

There was more fireflies in my memory.

♥oves,

vee.

A nostalgic state.

2010-08-21T05:32:00.001+08:00

Got back from a day trip.

The four of us; Bina, Iman, Eka and I headed down to Malacca with one sole purpose; breaking fast in Malacca. We had the famous laksa at Jonker Street. I've heard quite a lot about that place, especially the cendol, but to be honest, the laksa wasn't anything amazing, I ate better laksas before. (with better service!)

However, when it comes to Malacca, there's this one thing that will always make me happy; Chicken rice balls! Still my favourite since young whenever my family goes back to my daddy's hometown. But unfortunately, by the time we reached there, the shop has already closed.

There was one particular chicken rice ball stall that I love.

Back in those days, my dad would bring us there every time, before heading back to KL. Till today, I still don't know what the shop was called. It was given another identity by us, which was the 'Shell station chicken rice ball under the big tree'. Because the hawker restaurant was under a big tree, next to a Shell station. Regrettably, that stall is no longer there. I felt so unhappy when I found out.

I'm not sure whether it closed forever or just shifted to another location.

After dinner, the four of us went walking around Jonker Street; my second time of walking through the entire street throughout my whole life even though I've been to Malacca many times before. All of us headed to the beach and chilled there for quite some time.

Being back at Malacca after so many years since the last visit with my dad is without doubt different. The food that we used to wake up early in the morning for, has either changed in taste or the shop is no longer there. The ocean has been replaced by new buildings and roads. A lot has changed about that state.

I'm not sure whether to feel happy or sad about it.

♥oves,

vee.

A failed surprise party.

2010-08-20T04:08:00.004+08:00

Yesterday was Bina's birthday.

Got a call from Iman at 5.30p.m, saying it's Bina's birthday and the dinner will be at Tarbush, Sunway Pyramid at 7p.m. It's a surprise dinner, but I was more surprised than Bina. Iman was already on the way to my house to pick me up, right after calling me to inform me about it.

We all gathered there and waited for Bina. When she arrived, nicely dress, I knew that she knew, and she did. She gave that smirk saying she guessed it and got a confirmation when one of her friend texted her earlier during the day saying, ' See you later tonight! '. Fail.

But dinner was still great.

A little reminder to myself; never have buffets when you're fasting. It's a waste cause you will feel really full after having only 1 plate. That was what happened to me. I didn't even get a second round! It's so saddening. The whole purpose of eating a buffet was defeated!

We had a yummy cake, Mixed Berries Meringue from Alexis, also known as Bina's favourite cake. It was absolutely scrumptious! Everyone went to play some pool then off to karaoke and sang our lungs off.

Happy 21st Bina.

♥oves,

vee.

Cooped up in a drybox.

2010-08-16T18:18:00.006+08:00

I've finally gained the courage.

To open up the cupboard and take out all of daddy's SLRs. It has been sitting inside there for almost 5 years now. I've been looking at the cameras too many times, often do I just sit and take each of it out slowly, looking at it and then arrange it all back into the cupboard.

I've never dared to use it.

Always afraid that I'll spoil it somehow. But today, it was different. I felt that it is now the time to finally take another step into this world of photography. The right time.

I'm not sure why I love film, even though the digital world is very intriguing. There's something about film that gives off a different kind of feeling than digital. It's almost spellbinding. Digital and film; Each have their own world. It's own unique features and things about it that'll make you fall in love. Each has their beauty and their flaws.

Both are equally captivating and loved.

I started to venture more into film photography only 2 or 3 years ago by buying my own cameras and equipments. I didn't want that part of the world of photography to fade away, but I also didn't want to risk damaging daddy's expensive cameras. So I bought my own (much cheaper) cameras.

As for daddy's cameras? Kept in storage for memories. Awaiting for the day where I feel I'm ready to take up that step and that day has arrived. Since the accident, I realized that it has changed. It's not made to be kept inside the drybox. It is time for it to get out of the cupboard, and do what it was meant to do.

Capture moments.

♥oves,

vee.

Another drizzling night.

2010-08-14T20:45:00.003+08:00

I'm still at disbelief that it all happened.

It was exactly like one of those car crashing scenes you watch on movies. Where everything slowed down, and it seemed as if gravity shifted as everything went flying while music could be heard in the background among the sounds of collision.

Everything was falling in slow motion. There was no life nor light flashing before my eyes. With eyes wide open, only thoughts of the car flipping over and it will end everything crossed me.

It was the longest 7 seconds of my life.

♥oves,

vee.

Actions vs. words.

2010-08-11T03:20:00.007+08:00

They say actions speaks louder than words.

But which one hurts the most?

Both has the ability to bend and break you. Both can hurt you, wound you, scar you. But it is always the emotions that they trigger matters most.

The outcome of what your heart feels.

♥oves,

vee.

A holy month.

2010-08-10T21:42:00.004+08:00

Tomorrow, the month of Ramadan starts.

For that, I wish all Muslims a happy Ramadan. This would be the month of fasting for Muslims around the world. As another year comes by, I will be fasting alongside with all the Muslims for one month. This year marks the 6th year/time of me fasting during the fasting month.

Has it been 6 years already?

I'm not a Muslim, just so you know. I don't do it for the religion nor the fun of it. I started since I was in Form 2 when I found out the reasons behind the fasting month. I felt it was something that I should be doing as well. I'm basically doing this for same reasons as the fellow Muslims do except for the religion part.

To put yourself in the shoes of those who suffer through hunger and poverty. To also cleanse your body and purify your soul. I do this every year to be reminded that there are always those that needs a helping hand and to be appreciative of what I have.

To remind myself to always be grateful with life.

Have a great Ramadan everyone.

♥oves,

vee.

No one remembers.

2010-08-06T16:40:00.003+08:00

When did it happen?

When did we stop the conversations? The bursting laughs, the teary eyes, the small disagreements, the big arguments, the moments where we stop and stare into each others eyes.

Now, we have one word conversations, we can no longer stare at each others eyes without looking away the next second, we bring our attention to somewhere else, we look elsewhere, anywhere but each other's eyes, we pretend that we're busy, we're happy, we're living a great life when we see each other pass by.

When did it all happen?

♥oves,

vee.

Chilli crabs and garlic prawns.

2010-08-04T02:55:00.004+08:00

Last night was Iman's birthday.

We had dinner at The Fatty Crab restaurant before heading over to Bina's apartment for the party. Food, party and company was all great. Ended the night with plenty of polaroids taken and loads of laughters.

Happy 21st Iman.

♥oves,

vee.

Those dead knots.

2010-08-02T05:38:00.007+08:00

You watched as the conversations go shorter.

As it fades away, is it suppose to happen this way? Slowly, just slowly, it dies down. It vanishes, not because it wanted to. It was because you let it be.

Then the distance between each other starts to drift apart, wider and wider. Till every moment starts to be an awkward moment. Nothing feels right anymore.

You no longer feel that closeness.

That bond that you have, or whatever that's left of it that hasn't dwindle, is fragile. So delicate that you fear the slightest touch will shatter it into pieces. And it can never be fixed back into the same anymore, probably.

If it it was fixed, you can still see the cracks and missing pieces on it. It's no longer the same. It can never be the same.

So what can you do?

You can cry about it. You can feel sad about it. You can feel disappointed. You can cling to it and never move on. You can also brush it off, throw it away, move on after crying and feeling sad. Wait for the wounds to heal and build a new one.

Stronger and better.

♥oves,

vee.

One after another.

2010-08-01T03:21:00.002+08:00

Another month gone by.

Just like that and July has ended. Time, it's a very tricky thing. You cannot control it, you cannot overrun it, you cannot turn it back. But you can manage it, you can look at it, you can watch it pass you by.

July was ended with 2 great pints of Baskin Robbins! It was absolutely delightful. I'm prepared for August now, can't wait for the 31st to arrive again.

Bring it on.

♥oves,

vee.

Farewell, stranger.

2010-07-29T02:27:00.004+08:00

I really don't have much to say.

Other than James Morrison being so amazing with his voice. He pretty much sings about certain things that I can relate to with this song. All that hurt even after doing everything you could. It's sad. It's disappointing. But it has to happen anyway. Because it's for the better, for both of us.

I've been twisting and turning, in a space that's too small. I've been drawing the line and watching it fall. You've been closing me in, closing the space in my heart.

Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart.

Well I can't explain, why it's not enough, cause I gave it all to you. And if you leave me now, oh just leave me now. It's the better thing to do. It's time to surrender, it's been too long pretending.

There's no use in trying, when the pieces don't fit anymore.

The pieces don't fit here anymore. You pulled me under, I had to give in. Such a beautiful myth that's breaking my skin.

Well, I'll hide all the bruises, I'll hide all the damage thats done.

But I show how I'm feeling till all the feeling has gone. Don't misunderstand how I feel. Cause I've tried, yes, I've tried. But still I don't know why, no, I don't know why.

I don't know why.

Why I can't explain why it's not enough. I gave it all to you.

And if you leave me now, just leave me now. It's the better thing to do. Well it's time to surrender, it's been too long pretending. There's no use in trying, when the pieces don't fit anymore. The pieces don't fit here anymore.

The pieces don't fit anymore.

♥oves,

vee.

Hopeful words.

2010-07-27T23:25:00.008+08:00

Clasp the hands together, close the eye lids, tilt the head down, and speak through the hearts.

Have you ever wondered on why some of us pray?

We place our hopes and beliefs on something bigger than us. Bigger than life.

We don't know if they really exist, or if it works, but still, we pray, in hopes that our prayers would be heard, and maybe, just maybe, our prayers would be answered.

We pray, wanting to believe in something. Wanting to feel secure, safe.

We pray, wanting to believe that everything will be alright.

We pray, wanting to have some assurance with situations.

We pray, wanting to have some guidance with life and hard choices.

We pray, with optimism, with expectations, with faith.

We pray, we wish, we dream.

I feel, it's a little egoistic to pray some times, to pray when we are in dire need of help. To ask for help or guidance only when we need them. It's egoistic to actually think that we deserve help in return with just a few words of prayers. Of all the people in the world, why would I be so special, to be the one that receives help, to be the one whom prayers are answered?

To ask with the expectations of it being answered the way you want it, it feels condescending.

On one hand, I pray with hopefulness. On the other hand, I don't feel like I'm worth it enough for my prayers to be answered. What have I done to deserve it?

But then again, I believe the higher beings would love us unconditionally, treat everyone the same, all wishes and prayers will be answered when the time is right. I believe they won't discriminate.

It's perplexing. To feel so many different things about it.

But nonetheless, I thank all for the blessings and the guidance given. I appreciate everything that has been bestowed upon myself and my life. I am fortunate, I am blessed.

To always have gratitude, that's one of the lessons I've learnt in life.

Thank you.

♥oves,

vee.

He asked.

2010-07-24T20:00:00.001+08:00

' Do you believe in love at first sight? '

' Yes. '

' Why? '

' I don't know why, I just do. '

A conversation I had with someone, somewhere, some time ago.

Four little letters that could mean the whole world to some people and senseless to some others.

Engrossing word, isn't it?

♥oves,

vee.

My greatest heroine.

2010-07-23T00:07:00.005+08:00

Today is the 23rd of July.

I remember when I was younger, whenever this date comes along, I would draw birthday cards with a cake and a bottle of wine on the front page, as extravagant as a birthday cake and a bottle of wine could get being drawn by a kindergartner because that was what I thought would be nice.

I thought it would make you happy.

A few years passed with the same present and I stopped drawing cards for this day, I believe you deserved more than a crappy card. Instead of a card, I would pass you 10 ringgit for you to buy a pack of cigarettes. Because I couldn't buy it for you and I couldn't afford to buy you pretty clothes. I wanted to buy you something you would like. Something nice. But I didn't know what to get you. I could only give you 10 ringgit.

As I grew older, I stopped giving you 10 ringgit for cigarettes cause I wanted you to be healthier, and I could afford much more than that. It didn't have to be this same date to come along anymore.

And then there were those people, those people that told you many times, to not pamper me, to not buy me whatever I wanted when I was a child, because it will do no good, and I won't appreciate it. For years they have said the same things, without me knowing. But regardless of their many efforts, discouragements and disapprovals, you continued to pour all your love on me.

You protected me, from all of them, you didn't tell me of what they say behind my back. But I found out through other means years after when I was 10 or 11, and when I did, I felt sad, I felt hurt because I know what they said hurt you most.

It was from then on, I didn't ask for pocket money from you, I stopped asking you to buy me things, I stopped asking you to bring me to shopping malls. Every time you asked me with that worried look on your face if I had enough money for school, I will always say yes with a smile, to assure you that I do.

I didn't do all those things because I grew apart from you, I did it because I wanted them to stop hurting you with their convictions. I grew up and I wanted to protect you, cause you have always been protecting me.

I wanted to protect you. To make you happy. To make you proud.

Not long after I started high school, it had already become a time when I could bring you out for lunches and dinners. I realized, that even though you don't eat much, you would always finish whatever you ordered, because I was paying for it.

Because that's how much you loved me.

I could buy you what bag you liked, which purse you fancied, even though you sometime won't use it, but it made you happy and that's what made me happy. I would give you a certain amount every month, for you to spend and for your inhaler. It was the least I could do for you.

I remember the time I bought a gold fancy cheongsam kind of top for you to wear for mum's function. You were so proud that you showed it to the people and told them I bought it for you. You wanted to tell people that I do care for you.

That your love for me was not in vain.

In a way, what they did was a good thing, cause what they said made me realized that I needed to stop asking you to spend money on me, because I realized you needed it more than me, and that you love me so much till you'll buy whatever I wanted. It made me realize of how selfish I was for asking for all those material things when I know you cannot afford it.

It was them that made me realize how great of a person you truly were.

How you could love me without any conditions. How you love me regardless of who I was. How you could love me and put me first before anything or anyone else. How you would come all the way to me with just a phone call of me asking you to come cause I miss you. How you would spend so much of your time for me.

How you would go that extra mile for me. How you would comfort me whenever I'm down or couldn't sleep. How you would do anything for me regardless of how ridiculous or hard it was. How you still love me even though I was so uncompromising and selfish. How selfless you were.

It was them that made me realize what unconditional love is and could be.

So, I thank them, for all those unpleasant things they said. Because it made me see how important I was to you, how important you are to me, and that kept me going.

You kept me together.

You are truly an amazing soul with that unconditional love you had and for all of those things you have done for me, I want to thank you.

I love you, I miss you, always have, always will.

Happy birthday poh poh.

♥oves,

vee.

It's better that you know.

2010-07-22T21:55:00.013+08:00

It was like you, pointing a gun to my head.

If I don't say what you want to hear, the chances of a bullet being in my head is very high. If I were to have said 'what you didn't tell me to say', the melody that you wanted to listen to, then I'm safe and you look like you are right.

In such a threatening and angry tone, you, no, you didn't put those words into my mouth, of course not. You only pointed a gun to my head.

I'm in a place where I don't feel safe.

I admit. I have plenty of flaws. I'm not a very responsible adolescent. I'm lazy. I like to live in my own world. I avoid responsibility because I'm scared that I will screw up, get blamed and yelled at cause it would be my fault. I avoid anything that involves you and me being in the same room.

I don't stay in the room or away from the house because I love it.

I seclude myself in a room when I'm in the house, because I fear. I fear of going out of that area and I would have to cross paths with you, even if you are not in the house, I fear. I go out because I don't want to be in the same place as you cause I'm afraid.

I may pretend that I am okay, that I'm tough, that I'm strong, but in truth, I'm not okay, I'm weak, I'm terrified of you.

I want to live in a house that I could call home. I want a place that I do not have to hide and fear every step I make would anger you. I want a place that I could live comfortably, in peace, without fear and to be able to live freely. I want a place that you won't be able to touch me. I want a place that I could feel safe and secured and you cannot harm me. I want a place where I do not have to fear you.

I do not want a place where I have to avoid you every day.

I don't speak to you unless I have to. I don't call you even if I got locked out of the house. I see your number on my mobile and my heart cringes. You are the last person on earth that I would ever call, even if I got into an accident or I'm bleeding and out of breath, do you know that? How many times have I actually called you or sent you a text willingly? Not because it was your birthday or I had to reply your text or when someone asks me to text/call you. I shake in fear mentally when I have to sit in the same car as you.

I'm not placing the blame on you. I'm not saying that it's your fault. Not entirely. It's mine as well. It's my issues that I know I have to deal with. It's just that everything that has happened years ago during my childhood times till I was 16 or 17 left me wounds that have not healed and I still shake and cry just thinking about it.

I still have not recovered and I doubt I will ever do any time soon.

Yes, you have not lay a single finger on me since the last time it happened but I still fear that it will happen, which is why I avoid you. I try to avoid doing anything with you because I fear that I'll do something wrong or something that doesn't satisfy you which will anger you and you will raise your fists again. Especially since I know I will always mess things up by saying something stupid or making a mistake, not on purpose.

I feel like I'm still the fearful immature foolish 8 years old whenever I'm in front of you.

So I keep my silence when I'm around you, I try not to speak unless spoken to, even when you talk to me, I try to say as little as I can. It takes a long time for me to answer you cause I don't dare to open my mouth.

I know that you are doing what you think is best for me. But what you think is best for me, may not be right for me.

I know that you are working hard with the rest of the family to provide for the family and provide a rooftop over our heads. So I let you say what you want to say and let you act how you want to act cause I cannot do anything else. But it also makes me even more afraid to speak. Because if I were to have said anything that is not up to your liking, I'm afraid that you will, not just raise your hands, you will take everything away from me. A place to stay, my education and what's left of me.

I don't feel safe anywhere near you and I have not lived in peace since I could ever remember.

I live in fear every single day.

But I think that the only time I felt most at peace and safe was when daddy and poh poh was still around. They were the ones that held whatever that's left of me together, without themselves realizing.

I know you love me. I know you don't like me, because the tone and the way to speak to me is different than when you speak to the other siblings, it's colder. I know you didn't like me when I was younger, because I wasn't the best child ever, as I was spoiled and pampered by poh poh. I know that you and the rest didn't like me, which resulted into my behaviour getting worse because I hated all of you and I started to binge cause I was lonely.

I grew up hating on the world, my family, God, my life, myself. My behaviour and weight problem didn't make me more lovable, instead, you all didn't like me even more, laughed at me and separated yourselves with me.

I honestly felt like I was everyone's punching bag. Because I get picked/laughed/scolded for all my flaws, my grades, my weight, my looks by everyone. By you, by my sisters, by my cousins, by my god family, by my relatives. They say things that hurts so much but I'm not allowed to retaliate because I'm the youngest and if I did, I'll get scolded and gives them the prerogative to say that I am a bad child.

But I know why they do it, not because they want to hurt me on purpose. They don't even realize that they are. They do it to feel better about themselves, they'll feel more secured with their looks, they'll feel more secured with their life. I know, I understand.

But it still hurts.

Which made me even angrier inside, which made me angrier with everyone else. And it continued, on and on, years after years until months after dad's passing.

It was then I realized and could see, that the whole thing was a vicious cycle, everyone is to be blamed, including myself. It was then I've started to change. It was then I stopped being a masochist. It was then I stopped being suicidal, because I know that is not the way to solve everything. It was then I stopped being bulimic. It was then I told myself to look at the other side of the world. It was then I started to learn how to be positive. It was then that I told myself to be happy.

I've changed a lot shortly before I turned 15, a few months after dad's passing. Because I realized Dad would not like it very much if I continued being/doing all those negative things.

I admit, I still have the tendency to hurt myself or the thoughts to head for the easy way out when I'm down. I still have my dark days. I still have times when I fall back into depression. But I'm working my way out. I'm trying to heal those wounds. I'm trying to forgive and let go of my past. It's not easy but I'm trying my best.

Although even till this day, they still hurt me with what they say, but I keep quiet about it. I act like everything is fine and dandy. I don't tell them how I truly feel. Because I don't want that vicious cycle to start all over again.

Hatred only brings in more hatred.

I love all of them and I don't ever want to hurt them, but I'm not sure if me keeping this secret of how I felt with the way they treated me, would help them in their lives and being a better person because I already see them doing the same things they did to me, to their kids and other people. I don't want other people, what's worse, my own nieces and nephews that I love so much to go through the same pain as I did. But that's another issue for me to handle.

This is an open letter to you, because I know I will never have the strength or the courage to tell you all of this face to face.

Because I fear that your temper will get the better out of you again and I know when that happens, I have no chance facing against your brute strength. Because I know that this is what I need to do after struggling to voice out my feelings towards you all these years.

Because I need you to know that no one is perfect, I am not perfect, and neither are you.

Because this is a step I need to take, towards freeing myself, towards healing my soul and grow as a better person, in order for me to continue my journey of finding myself.

Because I fear that if I continue to keep this in my chest then one day, I might do the same to my loved ones and my future family because I fear I might have the need to feel like I'm in power and I don't ever want to hurt anyone like that nor do I want anyone to go through the same pain as me.

Because I need you to know that I'm still not okay and I'm sorry.

The past and you still haunts me.

There. I said it.

♥oves,

vee.

It still looks new.

2010-07-21T18:14:00.008+08:00

I've been cleaning my mac.

For the past hour and a half. You might be thinking that, that is a long time to be used on cleaning a mac. I know, I thought the same.

But once I started cleaning it, I couldn't stop. I just had to clean every single part and millimeter cause I can't stand seeing any part being dirty when I'm already cleaning the rest. You probably don't get it.

It's just a me thing. I'm weird that way.

It always happens like this. I have the tendency to leave everything and not really bother with it, but when I couldn't stand it anymore, it's like the button in my mind just switches on and I have to do something about it. To clean the mess up.

I'll get so uncomfortable with the messy room, the unkept boxes of books, the drawers filled with everything that made an impact in my life or in this case, the dirty laptop, that I will start to take everything out, reorganise it, clean it till it is perfect and I won't stop till I'm satisfied with the result.

At certain times, I'm not comfortable sitting in front of a messy table. Used plates and utensils cannot be placed in front of me. Water droplets or stains on a table leaves me unsettled.

But there's also the times when I'm triggered to do something, like doing a project or creating some workpiece, those are some of the times that I don't care how messy the table gets.

All that I care about is that I have to finish it.

This whole thing, it's not a everyday thing, but when it happens, it happens. When it does, I can't help but to do something about it or I'll feel uneasy. Feeling suffocated with that little space or the cluttered table or an unfinished piece of art.

It's just when I feel towards something so strongly, I must finish it till I'm satisfied, till it's perfect. I'm still unsure on what triggers me, it's like I'm under an enchantment when it happens.

I won't start till I feel it's right, and I won't stop till I feel it's right.

Putting that matter aside, my laptop now smells like nail polish remover. The whole room as well.

Easily flammable. Interesting.

♥oves,

vee.

Technically directionally lost.

2010-07-19T02:12:00.012+08:00

Is it so funny to not know where Titiwangsa or Pekeliling is??

IT'S NOT A CRIME! T_____________T

I was suppose to go for a friend's birthday party at Setiawangsa, but I have no idea how to get there from Sunway Giza. I don't even know where Setiawangsa is. So what's the best thing to do? I googled map it! Like I always do.

But it sort of failed cause the way was long and complicated. On a map. I got kinda lost, on screen. Unsure of what is what and where is where, I tried asking my friends if they can help me.

I shouldn't have.

Instead of helping, they laughed at me, mocked me and gave brilliant ideas.

While looking at the map, Sean said, ' It's so easy, one straight line only what. '.

Sean, while pointing at the map, saying, ' Looking at the map, you're already lost. You think you can understand the map? All the traffic lights, here got traffic light, there got traffic light, then how? What are you going to do? '

S : ' Easiest way, you take cab there. '

V : ' What! Who is gonna pay for the cab! You?! '

S : ' Yes, serious. ' With a straight face. -_____-

Wise Cyrus said, ' Why don't you call a cab, and then you drive behind the cab? I did that before! In singapore. ' Sean did the same in Penang or something. I still can't tell whether they were mocking me or they were serious about this.

Cyrus and Sean even offered to pay for the parking fee at Maya Hotel (no idea where), pay for 2 jugs, and cab fare just for me to go Setiawangsa. The outcome of all the ways of me getting to the party.

S : ' You know where is Titiwangsa? '

V : ' No. '

S : ' You know where is Pekeliling? '

V : ' No. '

S : ' Titiwangsa, don't know. Pekeliling, also don't know. What do you know?'

They laughed.

V : ' I've never been there before! How would I know! '

C : ' I'm sure she know where is Zouk. '

S : ' Okay, do you know where is Zouk? '

V : ' ..yes. '

They laughed even more.

C : ' You park at Maya Hotel, take a cab, we both will pay for it, okay? '

S : ' Why don't you ask your friends to come here? I'll buy one jug. '

C : ' And I'll buy one jug, so there's 2 jugs. Easier. '

In the end, I stared at the screen for a good 45 minutes while they were laughing at me.

K : ' What time are you suppose to be there? '

V : ' 7p.m and I have to be back here by 10p.m. '

They laughed even louder. Why? It was already 7.45p.m. Sean says that I'll take 2 hours to get there cause I will get lost, for sure.

C : ' So you're gonna go there just for a hi (waves) oh I have to go, bye (waves)? '

S : ' Hi, my present for you is that I'm late. Okay, bye! '

S & C : ' The best solution, don't go. '

In the end, I didn't go cause I wouldn't make it in time to be back by 10p.m. I told my friend I'll meet her up another day to make it up to her! I feel so bad for missing it. (sorry, Ella.)

But I got to admit, they were hilarious. I can't help but to laugh at their jokes, even though they were laughing about me. Hey wait, that's not right.

Sean's version of a straight line.

♥oves,

vee.

Which will win?

2010-07-18T04:17:00.004+08:00

Here's a situation.

There is a vest and a gun.

An impenetrable vest that has the ability to defend itself off everything and a gun that can shoot through anything in this world.

If the gun, that could shoot through anything, takes a shot at the vest that is impenetrable, what will happen?

Will the gun shoot through the vest or will the vest stand strong and firm?

♥oves,

vee.

Look up in the sky!

2010-07-16T19:11:00.005+08:00

Maybe I should stop wearing my Superman tee.

Every time I wear it, there's seem to be some hype going on. Oh, and strangers often see me and say ' Hey! Superman! '. I'm not sure why they do that, but it gets me thinking. What kind of response do they expect to get in return of their remark?

' I'm rushing to save some guy from a building on fire. What do you want? '

Or maybe, ' You now know my secret identity. Who told you! You must not live. '

But no, I normally just smile and continue walking. In the opposite direction. I wonder what would they do if I had the guts to turn to them and say ' Hey, that's me! Whatsup? '

All that aside, I saw this photo on weheartit and I just wanted to find a reason to post it up.

Be my Superman.

♥oves,

vee.

The prancing horse.

2010-07-15T01:03:00.003+08:00

A Ferrari parked next to my car!

Nuff' said.

Okay, I lied, it's not enough. There's more to be said! I'm so happy! (yes, I realize that it was only parked next to my car, not me getting one, but it's still exciting to see one!)

Can you blame me for getting excited seeing a Ferrari? Come on. They are absolute beauties. I get dazed by an awesome car and I can stare at it the whole day (if parked in my garage). I'm not a car junkie that knows how the whole construction of the car looks/works, but I'm learning and I have a long way to go, and no, I have no idea how tuning a car works (I recommend watching Initial D the movie. HAHAHA.)

I just know enough to appreciate good things and I'm not one of those that pretends to know everything about something or those that thinks too highly of themselves for knowing a few tricks of the hat. I admit, it gets to me when I meet people like that. I think it gives a bad image to those that are really into those same things and those that are really good with what they do.

I'm pretty simple when it comes to this, if I don't know, I'll just say I don't know, if I'm interested in knowing more, I'll ask and listen. (is it safe to say I'm a level 1 car junkie?) It's more embarrassing if I got found out faking my 'knowledge', don't you think so? As the saying goes, " A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. "

Back to Ferrari, there's a whole list of amazing cars that I love from them. Ferrari F430, 430 Spider, 430 Scuderia, F50 GT, FXX, F430 GTC, California, 458 Italia, 599 GTB Fiorano, and many to come in the future. Don't get me wrong, I'm still very much in love with BMW, Lamborghini, Bugatti and a few others as well, but we're talking about Ferrari today. Not anything else.

I hope all Ferrari owners aren't some filthy rich sleaze bag. I hope the owner is a really nice person and bought the car because he/she loves awesome cars, not out of the idea of wanting to boast his/her wealth, but out of passion.

I hope he/she really takes extensive care for that beauty.

But honestly, I feel sad for all supercars in Malaysia. The roads are too horrible, downright undeserving for beauties like that to be driven on it.

Go over a bump and my heart will cry if I ever (I have big dreams) drove a Ferrari in KL.

I'll do almost anything - not absolutely everything/anything - but a lot of things for a Ferrari, especially for this baby, Ferrari Scuderia Spider 16M.

Okay this time, it's really nuff' said.

♥oves,

vee.

Try again.

2010-07-13T19:02:00.005+08:00

Two very random things.

" I can, I will. But will you be there to tell me to try again? "

- Ucchishta Sharmen

Well, Ucchis, you said to mention your name on my blog. I don't really know how/what to say and quietly slip your name into my post. This seems to be the only way, to quote you out of the blue. For the second random thing, here's a picture of Zoey!

So, ta-da.

♥oves,

vee.

When it's gone.

2010-07-11T14:47:00.010+08:00

The feeling of losing something important to you.

Having it taken away from you, lost. Gone. No longer within you nor by your side.

Funny how most of us won't realize the importance of it till it's gone. Funny how we won't put much thought into it until it's missing. Funny how we never thought we needed it so sorely until we start to fathom the fact that we no longer will be able to have it, touch it, feel it as it is no longer within the grasp of your fingertips.

Then it hits you.

The feeling of regret comes into the picture. You start to wish that you could turn back time and those tons of ' how I wish I have done that ' and ' if only I didn't do that ' crosses your remorseful mind. Funny.

You're left with the less of you, feeling incomplete.

It is like a star that was a missing piece of the sky.

♥oves,

vee.

P.S : I posted this post up and ' Missing Star ' by Yuna starts playing. Coincidence? Now that's funny.

Spare me from your stories.

2010-07-10T02:54:00.006+08:00

Just a random quote I found.

I was pondering for quite sometime of the relationship between illusions, reality and me. This quote came at the right time.

" Illusions commend themselves to us because they save us pain and allow us to enjoy pleasure instead. We must therefore accept it without complaint when they sometimes collide with a bit of reality against which they are dashed to pieces. "

- Sigmund Freud

Maybe this explains it. Who knows.

I do.

♥oves,

vee.

Wordy my foot.

2010-07-09T08:10:00.003+08:00

Ken said my blog is too wordy.

So, I shall dedicate this post to him, in the attempt of making my blog not too wordy.

Not

too

wordy.

Hi Ken. I want sushi, and I'm watching ' Justice my foot '.

♥oves,

vee.

Words once spoken.

2010-07-08T08:13:00.007+08:00

A wise man once said.

" Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I shall have the belief that I can do it. I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it, even if I may not have it at the beginning. "

- Mahatma Gandhi

True that. What I say can bend or break myself, but it can also make me stronger and wiser. Just depends on which side of myself do I believe in. To put it in plain words, my best friend is my worst enemy.

Oh, the irony.

The road is a long, hard journey with plenty of obstacles and challenges for me to overcome on my own. Every day is a new day, a new battle, the same old war.

I hope my best friend wins.

♥oves,

vee.

Everybody has one.

2010-07-07T12:31:00.009+08:00

I have an enemy.

My enemy is someone that will always defeat me with words.

A person that tells me I'm never good enough. Regardless of what it may be, I'm told that I can never do it, I'm not right for it, I don't deserve it.

That person is always there to put me down. Torture me mentally, physically, emotionally till the very last bit of any strength I have left. That person has always been there with me, ever since I could remember.

On days when I do find back that bit of strength to tell that person that I can do it, that I do deserve it, that I am better than I was made up to be, I will be knocked down, with the past to haunt me, every single day.

All my passion, my motivation, my love for life has been shunned away and as I watched it dissipate, a part of me died along with all of it. Gone. Just like that. I lost myself, yet again.

I've been beaten down to often and it always feels never ending. It was only a brief moment when my enemy was gone. But that person came back, worse than ever.

Despite everything else, till today, I'm still fighting that demon. It's tiring, mentally and emotionally exhausting and really, I'm fed up.

My worst enemy, is none other than myself.

Hello there.

♥oves,

vee.

A letter from far.

2010-07-06T22:50:00.004+08:00

I received a letter from India today.

It was an annual report about my son.

It was a mixture of feelings when I opened it. Like how a candy jar has candies with different sorts of colours, flavours and fillings.

It was just the thing to pick me up and made me realize that I am here for a reason that I once knew and forgot and I simply cannot give up so easily, being so bruised and feeling defeated daily. It made me rethink of my situation and know that there is someone out there that I need to work hard for.

I am here for a purpose, I just need to rediscover it, along with rediscovering who I am.

But we'll get to that some other time.

♥oves,

vee.

When will I know?

2010-07-05T10:02:00.005+08:00

I don't really ever know when is the right moment.

To ask a question.

In my mind, just the thought of me having to form those words out of my mouth is just baffling, and that silent awkward moment lingers in me. Not knowing if the question will be answered in my favour or rejection awaits. How does one ask a question like that?

I don't mean a question like ' will you be my boyfriend/girlfriend ', ' would you like to have some tea ', or ' do you want to buy this or do you not '.

I meant, something more consequential. It's not exactly a life and death question, but to a certain degree, it feels that way. Cause my life's next decision is up to these questions. My life's next move is up to these questions that I, somehow, am unable to vocalize.

But what if? What if I had the courage to speak up? When that day arrives, the day that I were to actually, by hook or by crook, find the spunk in me to ask these kind of questions, then what?

Then comes that moment.

The cliffhanger. That moment after spilling out your every gut and feelings. That moment of not knowing what will come next. That moment of feeling you will be rejected. That moment where the next thing that comes after it has the power to either make or break you.

Do you know those moments?

Waiting for the answer, even if its just for a second. I feel exposed. I feel weak. I feel stripped down to nothing. Every second feels like years, literally feels like years.

That moment of weakness. That suffocation.

Will that moment ever pass by? Yes, it does. It passes when the answer is given. There's 3 kinds.

The first; No. Meaning? Flat out rejection. The desertion that crushes all the hopes and dreams that I have placed upon that question. It means placing my pride and ego aside to ask that question, left me with nothing but broken bits and pieces of my dream. Don't say ' it's easy, why don't you just move on? ' right after it happens. Don't. The least you could do is to let the whole situation sink into my thoughts and let me decide to move on, on my own. Because this is not a small matter that you can easily forget and look for a piece of cotton candy to bite on the very next minute. It was a matter that my future depends on it. Yes, I'll move on, but it's not as easy as it sounds. It takes time to heal that bruised self. I just don't need someone to ask me why don't I move on and see them brush it off aside so easily like it was so trivial, of no importance.

Please don't hurt me more than I already am.

The second; Yes. I don't really need to explain the amount of happiness and relief I'll get if I got the answer that I wanted, right? I'm sure your imagination can paint a picture.

Then what's the third? The ' I don't know '. The answer that isn't an answer. The one that doesn't leave you with a definite emotion, instead, leaves you in more confusion. The one that, after all the strength and courage it took to put together the words, was of no point because it leaves you with no ends. Just leaves you with that ' so what now? ' kind of feeling. It leaves you hanging mid-air, unsure of whether you'll fall or you'll fly. It leaves you the same as before.

What if after asking that question, getting an answer and perhaps, regretting that you've actually asked it and then you start to think, ' maybe I shouldn't have asked. ', ' what if I didn't ask? ', ' did I ask at the right time? '.

See all the possibilities of what might be in front of a question? Here I am again. Back to where I started. So, when is the right moment to ask a question? How would you ever know?

Before I realized it, the moment passed right through me.

Leaving me with unknown possibilities and what ifs.

♥oves,

vee.

1, 2 and..

2010-07-04T15:37:00.003+08:00

Waiting for Sean and Alvin to arrive. Hurry please! (:

Training has been alright so far, it's tough and painful at times! But, hey, no pain no gain, right? At least I've seen improvement even though I've only trained for 2 days (officially).

♥oves,

vee.

Pick a lane.

2010-07-02T19:20:00.004+08:00

Driving in the day reminds me on why I love driving late at night so much.

There's no traffic congestions.

Yes, that means a lot to me. Especially when it takes 1 1/2 hours to drive up and down to Puchong and back to my house when it only takes me 25 minutes tops without traffic. Driving manual can be tiring during jams and being sleepy doesn't help. The heat adds the annoyance too.

What's worse? Bad drivers on the road. Honestly, some people have to learn to stick to one lane. They also have to learn the art of signaling. It's built into cars for a reason. Please, either learn to drive properly, or get off the road. Stop driving if you're so horrible and rude at it.

I've realized my temper has gotten worse (only when I'm driving.) ever since I gotten my license and drove on roads. Road rage. Bad drivers really do tick me off. They always test my temper and my will of not cursing. I get easily agitated when drivers don't signal when they cut lanes, or when they cut lanes when there's not much space, or when they linger at the middle of two lanes, blocking your way. Seriously, pick a lane, not two. Oh, there's also those drivers that drives on the fast lane, going really slow.

It's called the fast lane for a reason. Don't be a slow turtle if you plan on being on the fast lane. Am I being unreasonable?

I miss driving at 4 in the morning. Those are the moments where I can clear my mind. Have myself all to myself. Nothing to distract me. No one to disturb me. It's just the car and myself. I don't mind getting lost when I'm alone. I get curious and go along, just to see where the roads will bring me to. It's an adventure for me. I always see it the same way as I see life. Just going along to see where you'll end up and what you'll learn throughout the journey. It's more of a personal thing. I'm odd that way.

Driving. I love it.

Just not with bad drivers on the road.

♥oves,

vee.

Baby ohhh.

2010-07-01T21:59:00.006+08:00

It's the little things that makes me happy.

The things I do on my laptop, one of the best is opening my blog. Not to update it or read it again, but to let the music player play the beats. The songs are all picked out by myself, so these are songs that I actually do like. There's a lot of it, even though it's not all of it.

The playlist has 200 songs in it. Not consisting of every song that I like/love. But that's the maximum it allows me to have on the playlist. But why would listening to the player make me happy? I don't have to click next song just to change cause I like/love every single song that's in it. Can't say the same for my Itunes.

If anyone who knows me well enough, they would know that I have a picky taste for music. But I tend to think it's easy to please me when it comes to music. It's very simple, really. I just like good songs. I listen to any genre/artist from any timeline, as long as it's good. So no, I don't listen to Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato, Taylor Swift and other 'singers'. Although I do like some of their songs like Thinking of you, California Girls, or Baby. Yea, I just said Baby. It's a good song, in terms of the lyrics. I love the covers of Baby.

You got to be thinking that I'm odd for not listening to those artists I've mentioned. But I have my reasons.

Give me songs that are sung by singers who can sing and sings meaningful songs. When I say meaningful, I don't mean ' forget about your boyfriend and meet me at the hotel room. '.

Bring me back John Lennon, Michael Jackson, Extreme and more of Eminem, Jason Mraz, Ne-Yo, James Morrison, Jamie Scott & The Town, Metallica and many more. See, easy right? Even those local groups and singers, or those many many singers trying to make it on Youtube, some of them are really good. Like Jason Chen or Joseph Vincent. Can't wait for Bruno Mars to launch his EP!

Here's one the cover of Baby that I like.

♥oves,

vee.

It's not like a sound.

2010-06-30T20:40:00.004+08:00

I went in to get hoodies, got out with 2 pairs of shoes. Fail.

But I'm more than happy with it. I got it at an amazing offer. One that I could not refuse. (Well, obviously, considering the fact that I already bought it.) It's pretty and cheap. It's pretty cheap. (Y) Humour me.

I still want hoodies!

♥oves,

vee.

Together again.

2010-06-29T09:57:00.002+08:00

I buried my hamster and my mum told me 2 of my Nike shoes got stolen. Well done.

Lucky me that the shoes are imitations, each cost me 50 bucks. That's a lot to me. Oh, and it didn't fit well, I get blisters when I wear it for gym. The better news? I get to buy new shoes. I hope.

This is me, looking at the positive side. This is me, trying to console myself by saying ' it's imitation, so it's okay. ', ' it's only worth 50 bucks. ', ' it wasn't fitting, so I couldn't use it anyway. '. This is me, thinking that some guy out there got my shoes, and that is weird. This is me, thinking that he probably needed it more than I do, and I don't mind whoever that was to have taken it away. This is me, not feeling angry/frustrated/sad at the stolen shoes at all. This is me, feeling bad that he might have thought that the shoes were authentic, but it isn't.

This is me, knowing that it happened because of my own irresponsibility, so maybe that's why I don't feel angry, because I know there's no one to blame but me. This is me, knowing that it has already happened, and there is no point in feeling angry/sad, all I can do now is be wiser in keeping shoes in the house, not outside. This is me, feeling the same things for my hamster.

My hamster is now buried at my porch.

I dug out some earth till it was big enough for my chub chub. I held it in my hands, looked at it with my eyes, spoke to it with my heart, and placed him in the hole. I sprinkled the soil over momo while saying words of prayers. When it was filled back, I tapped the ground 3 times, unsure of why I did what I did. While I was doing all those things, the memories of my hamsters was filling up my mind.

And I thought to myself, this is for the better.

Momo is finally back together with the rest of his family. My hamsters. My babies. My chub chubs. After months of being solo in the cage, because the rest of my hamsters has already been claimed by Death, I was always wondering when it will be momo's turn. Not because I don't love momo, but because I couldn't stand seeing it being alone. But I didn't get another hamster to accompany momo, because I think that isn't family. It wouldn't be the same.

I told myself that I had to do a proper nice tomb for momo. I tried making a heart shape out of all the pebbles together, but it kinda failed. I also scribbled his name on a pebble. I looked for the nicest pebble. The blob is suppose to be a hamster. Yea, drawing is ugly, ignore it.

So, momo is laying in peace under ground. 6 cm under for his case. Not 6 feet.

And the family is together, once again.

♥oves,

vee.

I got a call.

2010-06-28T03:04:00.005+08:00

So, England lost and my hamster died.

I knew that England would not be the one that claims the title for 2010 but it still saddens me to be watching it. What's worse? Watching a goal getting denied as a goal. Bravo, referee and linesmen.

Moments after England's lost, I got the call.

" Your hamster died. "

I paused for a moment, acknowledged it and ended the call. I didn't know what else to say. But I know what I have to do. A burial.

And I'm off.

♥oves,

vee.

A new beginning.

2010-06-27T11:48:00.010+08:00

My blog died. It has been a good 67 long days since I visited back this place.

I'm not sure if there's any life left in this blog. Honestly? I actually forgot that I do own a blog at one point. Life got too hectic at the same time dull, I lost interest somewhere along the way and chucked it behind some part of my brain. When I stumbled back to this blog, I wanted to blog again. That feeling came back.

And then, it all seemed too familiar once again.

The whole getting-a-blog-all-excited-update-it-daily-like-a-maniac-get-lazy-and-letting-it-perish-slowly cycle. It starts to become a habit, if you haven't noticed. So, according to the schedule, we're now at 'update it daily like a maniac' part right after 'getting a blog all excited'. It has been months since I got tired of the dead blue design of my blog that seems like such a downer, I'm not sure about you but looking at it made me feel less motivated, if that makes any sense. So finally, after much long thoughts and tries, I revamped the place.

It's a new beginning. A fresh start. Revamping it is 'getting a blog', if you still haven't got it. I really doubt that there were anyone that checks up on this page once in a while, crossing their fingers, hoping to see a new post. I don't blame them. After all, I was the one that has forsaken this page without saying proper goodbyes. Which is why I should apologize.

If there was anyone that had check to see any bit of new news in here, I apologize for the disappointments and thank you for actually taking your time to visit this place.

You may or may not noticed, this is the first post. All of the previous posts has vanished. Don't worry (if you are.). it's not chucked away, it is simply being kept away from anyone to see it, except for me. It was part of my life, so I am a little bit hesitant on deleting all of it. So I saved it up somewhere else, leaving this blog with no post from the past. After all, it's a new beginning for this blog. Out with the old, in with the new, right?

The reason on a new start? I'm actually thinking it over. On what is the purpose of me owning a blog. I mean, I'm not one to be updating my daily outings and hang outs with people. I don't see the purpose of me doing so as I don't feel that my daily outings is of such importance that people must read or they will die kind of thing. Nor am I one of those that updates daily on food/fashion/music/design/celebrities/whatever else there is that needs to be updated daily because I don't keep up with those stuff every single day. I'm also not one that updates daily with a inspiring photograph or a funny cartoon with a witty quote, I'm not that creative and I prefer to not post up other people's photographs/works without their permission, unless it's absolutely amazing that I must share or I will die. I'm not the kind that updates daily with amazing stories/poems/quotes/essays/entries because I can't write that way. I'm also not one of those that writes about their emotions and troubles because I don't express myself very well and I'm not brave enough to let people know of all my worries and troubles with life.

The common ground seems to be 'daily updates' and I'm just not one that updates daily, I'm sure any past readers would know maybe because I think to be updating daily on the same topic needs plenty of creativity, to be writing/posting the same thing everyday that has to be different at the same time, to still entertain people, I don't think it's something I can do. Oh yea, and also, I procrastinate, a lot. The main point here is to not expect this blog to be overflowing with updates on a daily basis. You cool with that?

So, what is this blog for?

I guess this is a blog that has no theme or topic. It's not a blog that focuses on talking about one subject/category only, what more, the same subject/category everyday. It's not a blog trying to impress nor a blog trying to be famous (although I wouldn't complain if it did.). It's a blog that I hope would entertain or make someone's day better after reading it (maybe because it's awesome/funny or it sucks so much till you just can't help but laugh because it's pitiful.) I think it's a blog that is suppose to speak for itself. Maybe it's for you to see and judge for yourself. Whatever category that you deem fit. After all, you're doing the reading. But whatever label you place on it, it would not matter much to me. Because that is your point of view, and I can't change it or force you to look otherwise. But this is still my blog, so I still make the call on what I wanna post. Fosho. (:

But if I ever do write something that offenses you in any way in the future, I apologize for it now, I probably didn't mean to offense/hurt anyone with my posts. Oh, and do forgive me if there is any mistake with my English. My command of the language is only average.

I think that kind of sums it all up. This is quite a lengthy first post, if I must say so myself. It's been a while since I last typed out such a long 'essay'. Pardon.

Maybe I could write a post on what kind of blogger am I. That will probably take up 2-3 pages.

And I'm off.

♥oves,

vee.