It's better that you know.

It was like you, pointing a gun to my head.

If I don't say what you want to hear, the chances of a bullet being in my head is very high. If I were to have said 'what you didn't tell me to say', the melody that you wanted to listen to, then I'm safe and you look like you are right.

In such a threatening and angry tone, you, no, you didn't put those words into my mouth, of course not. You only pointed a gun to my head.

I'm in a place where I don't feel safe.

I admit. I have plenty of flaws. I'm not a very responsible adolescent. I'm lazy. I like to live in my own world. I avoid responsibility because I'm scared that I will screw up, get blamed and yelled at cause it would be my fault. I avoid anything that involves you and me being in the same room.

I don't stay in the room or away from the house because I love it.

I seclude myself in a room when I'm in the house, because I fear. I fear of going out of that area and I would have to cross paths with you, even if you are not in the house, I fear. I go out because I don't want to be in the same place as you cause I'm afraid.

I may pretend that I am okay, that I'm tough, that I'm strong, but in truth, I'm not okay, I'm weak, I'm terrified of you.

I want to live in a house that I could call home. I want a place that I do not have to hide and fear every step I make would anger you. I want a place that I could live comfortably, in peace, without fear and to be able to live freely. I want a place that you won't be able to touch me. I want a place that I could feel safe and secured and you cannot harm me. I want a place where I do not have to fear you.

I do not want a place where I have to avoid you every day.

I don't speak to you unless I have to. I don't call you even if I got locked out of the house. I see your number on my mobile and my heart cringes. You are the last person on earth that I would ever call, even if I got into an accident or I'm bleeding and out of breath, do you know that? How many times have I actually called you or sent you a text willingly? Not because it was your birthday or I had to reply your text or when someone asks me to text/call you. I shake in fear mentally when I have to sit in the same car as you.

I'm not placing the blame on you. I'm not saying that it's your fault. Not entirely. It's mine as well. It's my issues that I know I have to deal with. It's just that everything that has happened years ago during my childhood times till I was 16 or 17 left me wounds that have not healed and I still shake and cry just thinking about it.

I still have not recovered and I doubt I will ever do any time soon.

Yes, you have not lay a single finger on me since the last time it happened but I still fear that it will happen, which is why I avoid you. I try to avoid doing anything with you because I fear that I'll do something wrong or something that doesn't satisfy you which will anger you and you will raise your fists again. Especially since I know I will always mess things up by saying something stupid or making a mistake, not on purpose.

I feel like I'm still the fearful immature foolish 8 years old whenever I'm in front of you.

So I keep my silence when I'm around you, I try not to speak unless spoken to, even when you talk to me, I try to say as little as I can. It takes a long time for me to answer you cause I don't dare to open my mouth.

I know that you are doing what you think is best for me. But what you think is best for me, may not be right for me.

I know that you are working hard with the rest of the family to provide for the family and provide a rooftop over our heads. So I let you say what you want to say and let you act how you want to act cause I cannot do anything else. But it also makes me even more afraid to speak. Because if I were to have said anything that is not up to your liking, I'm afraid that you will, not just raise your hands, you will take everything away from me. A place to stay, my education and what's left of me.

I don't feel safe anywhere near you and I have not lived in peace since I could ever remember.

I live in fear every single day.

But I think that the only time I felt most at peace and safe was when daddy and poh poh was still around. They were the ones that held whatever that's left of me together, without themselves realizing.

I know you love me. I know you don't like me, because the tone and the way to speak to me is different than when you speak to the other siblings, it's colder. I know you didn't like me when I was younger, because I wasn't the best child ever, as I was spoiled and pampered by poh poh. I know that you and the rest didn't like me, which resulted into my behaviour getting worse because I hated all of you and I started to binge cause I was lonely.

I grew up hating on the world, my family, God, my life, myself. My behaviour and weight problem didn't make me more lovable, instead, you all didn't like me even more, laughed at me and separated yourselves with me.

I honestly felt like I was everyone's punching bag. Because I get picked/laughed/scolded for all my flaws, my grades, my weight, my looks by everyone. By you, by my sisters, by my cousins, by my god family, by my relatives. They say things that hurts so much but I'm not allowed to retaliate because I'm the youngest and if I did, I'll get scolded and gives them the prerogative to say that I am a bad child.

But I know why they do it, not because they want to hurt me on purpose. They don't even realize that they are. They do it to feel better about themselves, they'll feel more secured with their looks, they'll feel more secured with their life. I know, I understand.

But it still hurts.

Which made me even angrier inside, which made me angrier with everyone else. And it continued, on and on, years after years until months after dad's passing.

It was then I realized and could see, that the whole thing was a vicious cycle, everyone is to be blamed, including myself. It was then I've started to change. It was then I stopped being a masochist. It was then I stopped being suicidal, because I know that is not the way to solve everything. It was then I stopped being bulimic. It was then I told myself to look at the other side of the world. It was then I started to learn how to be positive. It was then that I told myself to be happy.

I've changed a lot shortly before I turned 15, a few months after dad's passing. Because I realized Dad would not like it very much if I continued being/doing all those negative things.

I admit, I still have the tendency to hurt myself or the thoughts to head for the easy way out when I'm down. I still have my dark days. I still have times when I fall back into depression. But I'm working my way out. I'm trying to heal those wounds. I'm trying to forgive and let go of my past. It's not easy but I'm trying my best.

Although even till this day, they still hurt me with what they say, but I keep quiet about it. I act like everything is fine and dandy. I don't tell them how I truly feel. Because I don't want that vicious cycle to start all over again.

Hatred only brings in more hatred.

I love all of them and I don't ever want to hurt them, but I'm not sure if me keeping this secret of how I felt with the way they treated me, would help them in their lives and being a better person because I already see them doing the same things they did to me, to their kids and other people. I don't want other people, what's worse, my own nieces and nephews that I love so much to go through the same pain as I did. But that's another issue for me to handle.

This is an open letter to you, because I know I will never have the strength or the courage to tell you all of this face to face.

Because I fear that your temper will get the better out of you again and I know when that happens, I have no chance facing against your brute strength. Because I know that this is what I need to do after struggling to voice out my feelings towards you all these years.

Because I need you to know that no one is perfect, I am not perfect, and neither are you.

Because this is a step I need to take, towards freeing myself, towards healing my soul and grow as a better person, in order for me to continue my journey of finding myself.

Because I fear that if I continue to keep this in my chest then one day, I might do the same to my loved ones and my future family because I fear I might have the need to feel like I'm in power and I don't ever want to hurt anyone like that nor do I want anyone to go through the same pain as me.

Because I need you to know that I'm still not okay and I'm sorry.

The past and you still haunts me.

There. I said it.

♥oves,

vee.